Negative Creep


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Radiohead - High And Dry
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"high and dry" by: radiohead

Domestic Violence

I fell in love at 19 with a man 10 years older than me. I was young and naive and he was pretty much one of my first first it was great. It was like for once in my life I wasn’t the one trying so fucking hard. He was. He was the one desperately trying to impress me. He was in a sticky situation in his life where he was 29 and still living at mom and dads…and I was also in a little predicament…my mom left dad for another man…and my dad went to live in a motel and as for me i was left to go my own way…so me and my boyfriend moved in together in november 2013 it was the most exciting thing ever…to start my adult life with what i thought at the time would be the man I would spend the rest of my life with. From the begging of our relationship he informed me that he had a rocky past…full of drugs and alcohol and jail…and misery….but now he had me, the most perfect girl he could ask for so he says and that he the best opportunity and a reason to live a normal I dismissed his past in hope of letting a bright promising future together in. He lost his job a bit before we moved in together but he had unemployment and could still help me pay half of pretty much everything however I was the one getting up 5 days a week to go work a minimum wage paying job while he was sleeping when i got up …and was sleeping when i got back…and he was drinking a lot…but having been around my alcoholic mother all my childhood …i could kinda endure it…it didn’t bother me much then…but soon enough everything started spiralling downwards …he started treating me like shit, using violence to intimidate me….a simple eye roll and he would lash out in anger…there was merely a connection, i could never speak of my feelings…i could never really have an opinion …it all felt so one sided, i felt so desperate for his love most of the time i just felt empty and wondered why things were so unpleasant between us…he took everything personal…always on the ultimate defence… eventually he introduced me to drugs.. I did MDMA most of the time and he did speed..that was his drug of choice. when we did drugs together it was the only time that we would get intimate compared to the usuals night when he just drinked …when he drinks he never much felt like having sex…cause he would be too drunk all the time 12+ beers a night…we didn’t have much of a sex life…but when the drugs came around i was blown away and got addicted to the attention he would give me at those times…i never had a dependence problem…and it was all fairly new to me and it didn’t affect me that much to go without or to get by the next day…but it was different for him it affected his mood a lot …so we would only get along high at this point..if not he was too irritable and aggravated and i fell into the negativity vortex and we would just rip each others heads off all the time I eventually checked myself into the hospital..i was feeling suicidal and depressed…and i stopped working for about a month on sick leave ….anyways back in may we got into an argument that lead to the neighbours calling the cops. he attacked me chocked me hit me got on top of me beat me down….when i open the door to let the cops in they saw my marks right away and cuffed him away…he was in jail for a few days before passing court and when he passed court they gave him a restraining order and conditions to respect…which were not to get into any contact whatsoever with me and not be within 200 meters of my house or job…i had promised myself it was over and i couldn’t grant him permission to ever be in presence again after disrespecting me to that extent…my family had hoped it was truly over and feared of the opposite …however it was easy to be left in my apartment where me and him once use to share together, with all his things still there around me..and everything had happened so was not like we were broken up or anything…just a fight that went to far and now everything was over?!? I couldn’t accept it and I missed I wouldn’t leave him alone I texted him, told him I was sorry..cause yes I blamed myself for everything…I felt so empty and weak without him because he defined me…he eventually agreed to come back after a week apart and what not.and we promised each other that what happened would never never repeat itself …anyways ..he came back home from a weekend of partying…didn’t go into work…lost his job…and didn’t expect me to be some what angered? of course i was..i felt betrayed…he lied he had promised me not to do what he did…which was an excessive amount of speed and skipping work…he was irritable obviously..weak from a weekend of substance abuse..and he just snapped of anger grabbed me by the neck threaten to kill me over and over shook me …it wass just horrible he threaten to kill me over a little amount of money i owed him if i didn’t spit it out and give it to him right away…his eyes were just insane he wasn’t even the same person anymore…just so irrational and reckless I ended up leaving my house to go stay at a friends… cause it was just too horrible between us …he told me to go get fucked like the whore i was and called me every name in the book while i was on my way out the door …after a few days of being away i gave him a phone called and him if he could leave before i got back cause i thought we could both agree that nothing good would come of us staying together a way i was doing this much more for him cause i don’t want him to go to jail and he hs a restraining order and if i go back there and we fight and the cops show up he’s going straight to jail..i just wanted to avoid this problem at all cost…but he got so insulted and pissed that i asked him to leave, he took it so badly he thought i was kicking him into the street basically…he just went crazy told me he was breaking everything in my house and that he was going to kill me..and i better have some money for him or he will take all my goods and go sell them and that he would rob my grandmother and i just didn’t know what to do anymore…he was screaming at me over the phone like a lunatic …i had to get the cops involved ..there was no way in hell i could of went back home safe he was there waiting for me, already just over the phone he wanted to kill me… He got arrested he’s been in jail since thursday and he’s passing court monday…apparently he now realizes how irrational he was and he feels bad and he’s sorry…but i can’t live like this anymore….always walking on egg shell……he’s a volcano always ready to minute he’s my boyfriend and one minute he wants to kill me and theres no boundaries and no limits and no basic respect …most people are telling me he won’t be let out this time cause he didn’t respect his conditions plus the added new stuff he did…( death threats ect)…i must now rebuild my life without him… i have to move out of my apartment because i can’t afford it anymore now that he’s gone, and I’m forced to move with my father basically….my father that use to beat me as a child and has major anger management issues due to excessive usage of cocaine..leaving a shit situation for another similar shit situation…
although i know truly that this relationship was toxic and i was so miserable and neglected and there was no hope …it will still be hard to get through…everything just changed so fast and drastically and in a way i was forced upon this outcome …he left me no choice and i kinda hate him for it i will miss him a lot…even if its for the best..